Saturday, November 7, 2009

What I used to be.

I used to be an artist, a semi-professional musician, an energetic runner and hiker, a soldier, a do-it-yourselfer. That is who I was.

RA has made me a watcher, a listener and a wisher. It has also made me a mourner.

I've been feeling sorry for myself a lot lately. I guess in the beginning of my adventure with RA, I really believed that when I took the awful medicines I was prescribed, and suffered the countless side effects, that I could go back to being the active me again.

I haven't taken one medicine that gave me back any of those things I used to be. Do I still believe it is possible? I don't think I do.

It seems I dont' get anything back at all. More and more is taken from the things that make me who I am or who I believe myself to be. I'll somehow have to learn how to keep a little of who I am and protect it. I'm not sure I like the me I am now.

I hope I can find a way to get through this and to make at least a part of this experience a positive one. The reality of this being a forever thing and not something transient or curable is awfully hard to accept. I'm not sure I can.

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